You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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