Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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