Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
