i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
