Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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