a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
