I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you guys were way drunker than both of me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
