a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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