I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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