I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
