Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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