I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
