Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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