hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
