dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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