Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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