if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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