we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
