Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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