Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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