Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Never underestimate the power of titties
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