I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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