just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
