worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
