We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize