Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Plan B is the new Plan A
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
