I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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