i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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