OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
