his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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