I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i believe in u and ur pee
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