so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
