i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
