I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize