Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize