I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
