so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
