Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
