someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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