i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
