last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize