Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
