he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
