I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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