I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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