it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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