Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
