apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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