I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
