it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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