my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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