i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
