My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the condom got lost in my hair
well you can't waste a boner
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
