happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
