I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
