I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
