I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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