I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
