Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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