I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We need to get me chipped asap
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
