Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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