If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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