My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
