Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
