I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
