just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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