Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize