You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
