pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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