dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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